Lord of the Rings Family Tours!
by Voloran
Summary: The LOTR Family Tours.Okay, this is my first fanfic so go easy on the reviews please.See the horribl..uh WONDERFUL places of middle earth.


Lord of the Rings Family Tours  
  
By the Valaraukar Corp.  
  
Ah! Middle Earth! A land of boring tales and sleepy donkeys. We, at Valaraukar Corp. wish you to tour the wonderful places of Ea. (If you don't, then we'll clap you in chains and force it down your throat you insolent fool!) Ahem! So here we go!!!  
  
The Shire  
  
Home of the Horrids. Irritating little squirts they are. Watch them be fascinated by a spoon. See the greedy horrids eat pre-breakfast, early breakfast, breakfast, post-breakfast, after breakfast, quarter breakfast, half breakfast, pre-lunch....and so on twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. Buy the expensive and exotic Winyards (Price only a couple of Mithril Coats and three sacks of gold) before discovering it to be salty water. Sing Nursery Rhymes at their bars such as the 'Timid Nazgul' and the 'Pooping Elf' and watch the dumb horrids try to figure out 'jack and jill went up the hill...' for a couple of weeks before understanding. Meet Bobo Hoggins, a 111-year-old idiot. Hear his absolutely nonsense poems. One of them is...  
  
I sit on the floor and in the past I peer, And think of the ages gone by, But I know who I am and drink-a-lot-of-beer, For give me more beer and beer I shall have.  
  
As I am a Horrid, a loony ol' Horrid,  
And give me more beer...and beer...and beer...and beer...and beer. (Snore Snore)  
  
Wasn't that enlightening? Of course it was! Price to tour the Shire is only three hundred sacks of gold.  
  
Bree  
  
The land of people and horrids living together. Keep an eye open or you'll find your asses stolen right under your noses. Go to the Poopy pony, the best inn in Bree. Meet Rangers, hideous jungle people who claim to save the people from monstrous monsters with a monstrous appetite for people. Meet Butterbum, the bar owner. The people will force you to stand on a table and sing silly songs. One such song is...  
  
Twas a day, not night for the sun was out,  
And I was dancing merrily naked.  
Then I slipped on my feet, in a puddle I fell,  
And in mud and slime was I caked.  
  
So I got up and drank two gallons of beer,  
And ate three troll bums,  
But I was still Drunk and not sober.  
So I made the cow jump over the moon.  
  
And after singing this special song, the people will get fits and shriek at Butterbum to teach his bums to dance the ballet. Wont it be wonderful? All this only for a couple of sacks of Silmarils.  
  
Rivendell  
  
Ah! Rivendell, land of the Eds. There live many Stupid Eds. Also there lives the Ancient Ed- Edbob the half-hearted. See his daughter Wormen Uglien who hasn't taken a bath for an age and a half and hasn't changed clothes or cut her nails. The main attraction is the fire room where you will be wondered by a tiny fire burning aimlessly. Hear the silly Ed songs. Such as...  
  
A Loonbereth Foolthiel,  
Blibberty blibberty blib.  
Da doodlety doodlety dumble dee,  
We still laugh at you we who dwell  
In this stupid land so far away from you!!!  
  
Meet the stupid Bobo Hoggins here too. Be creeped by stories of an EVIL bunny rabbit named Mockgoth. He was an EVIL bunny rabbit and he tickled Eds to death. Now his pal, a pink and fluffy bunny rabbit named Sowrun is the EVIL Lord. Also be tortured until you agree to take an evil ring to a dark land filled with ashes and guarded by your worst nightmares and murderers, and drop the beautiful and precious ring into a volcano with temperatures at fifty million degrees. While going there, be chased by ghosts, ghouls, orcs, trolls and much worse. Be nearly killed by a creepy creature and much more. All this for you! It is strongly exhorted (You will of course be terribly tortured if you refuse and hurt the Ed feelings) to go through dark mines and allow a few orcs to stab you. Isn't it a joyful adventure? All this for...the precious and only the precious.  
  
Moria  
  
The Dark Hole of Moria. We know that once in a while, you wish a break from thrills and running for your life. So we have introduced this place. We have a zillion mischievous orcs prowling about along with sweet trolls and an almighty Balrog. You will surely say,"Awww, what a icky bicky cute liddle bally! Come on Bally, don't be aflaid. Itsh only ush. Oogy oogy." Also, we have a horrible monster at the gates to feed upon you! Break your puny wits trying to get into Moria too. So, it's educational. Fall into the umpteen holes here and there to the centre of the world. SPECIAL ATTRACTION we also have some ominous drummers there to make sure that your heart explodes with fear.  
  
Author's Note: This update was absolute rubbish I know. But you see, I have the brains of a troll. That's why this story is so stupid. The first page of the Tour booklet is over. Check the second page. 


End file.
